Burger Tour 2012: The Hamburger Wagon

The Hamburger Wagon

10 East Central Ave. 

Miamisburg, OH 42343

(9.5)

Steps from the banks of the Great Miami River sit a tiny beacon for all of humanity to sample. That the Hamburger Wagon --  which is just that, a mobile wagon with barely enough room for two burger chefs -- still survives, 7 days a week, rain or shine or freezing temperatures, is yet another testament to the quality that exists inside these little wonders. It began in 1913 after the great flood of the Great Miami and Miamisburg, as sustenance for a camp of survivors, and it remains, recipe untouched, in the small center of town. Quite easy to miss. They serve nothing else - just singles and doubles, save some bags of chips and cooler of soda. These are sliders in the best sense, served with nothing but pickles and onions, no slop of ketchup or mustard to get in the way of the taste. 

What is superior about the Hamburger Wagon's deliciousness is the absence of slop, and the fact that they are lightly fried in their a pan of grease that may or may not have been handed down for generations. It's a nice and easy assembly line from pan to bun, ready to go, even a handy chart pricing multiple burgers makes the transaction smooth, since you'll be needing to know how much 10 or so are. The fry gives it a crunchy texture unlike any other burger I've tried so far. It's a blissful little crust, lightly salted and peppered, with no indication these are overcooked. I might have trouble picking a champ were I to have Crabill's and HW in dueling hands, but for now, The Hamburger Wagon sits slightly below, if only for their lack of a counter to enjoy multiples. Hamburger Heaven.

Burger Tour 2012: Crabill's Holds the Secret

Crabill's Hamburgers

727 Miami St. 

Urbana, OH 43078

(9.7)

For the time being, I think I’ve found Ohio’s best burger – trumping all burgers in all categories. And for that reason alone, I’ve decided to ditch the metric for which I was determining how I arrived at a certain (mostly arbitrary) number to rank these burgers. Logic should dictate that if the burger is good, so are the accompaniments, the setting, and need to travel wherever it is you need to go to experience said burger. Crabill’s is certainly off the beaten path, but extremely worth the time it takes to journey to Urbana. For generations, existing in one form or another since 1927, it has been the centerpiece of the small Ohio town. That’s not even including the Mumford Potato Chip Company, who have been making the most delectable kettle cooked chips in the country since 1932 – which by the way are the only extras you get at Crabill’s besides home-baked pie. Oh, and they’ve just added ketchup in 1990. Talk about traditions.

I’ve kept Crabill’s in my back pocket for a while now, and I feel I have to apologize. It’s the go-to for anyone who wants to know the secret to the best Ohio burger. Arguably, the Sidney Maid-Rite may have the taste – but it’s not really a burger. Crabill’s make sliders, but sliders only because they are small. Encountering Crabill’s came at the very end of our Western Ohio, and it was so beyond the competition of the day, I didn’t think it should be included. Plus, at that point we couldn’t truly indulge in Crabill’s earthly delights (the guy who came in directly after us, plopped down and ordered 12 doubles…to start). We were stuffed, in need of exercise and coffee, and about to end with what Matt claimed was the world’s smallest hot fudge sundae (which also exists on the outskirts of Urbana). But what we did indulge in was enough to rule this burger the supreme stop of our trip. It was simple – a eight seat counter, with a grill directly to the left of that, and barely enough room to order if the place was at capacity. No plates or cutlery, just a piece of wax paper and some napkins. You have your choice of single or double – with or without the customary onions and brown mustard. Bliss. Their secret, judging from the link above, is folklore – much like the Maid-Rite (though I’ve seen it duplicated quite well). But it’s the essence of a perfect burger – no frills and no gimmicks – and can challenge anything I’ve tried so far.

The Western Ohio Burger Tour 2011

I was tempted to make either passports or merit badges for the inaugural Western Ohio Burger Tour. For this trip, which we completed in less than 8 hours, I suggested eating four regional burger champs. That may have proved to be too much by the end of the day, but we persevered and made it home safe and bloated. Again, inspired by Motz’s Hamburger USA trek, I knew one could experience an enriching staycation just visiting the burger meccas that lie along Interstate 75 in Western Ohio. The fourth burger (more in a future post) was a delightful detour off the beaten path. So for this post, we’ll stick with the first three, mostly for their aesthetic similarities.

 The first three all fit a common theme. They all sat a mile or two from I-75 (an artery of the rust belt and half of America’s crossroads, along with I-70). They all started (we hit the original locations) in the county seat, at the absolute center of town, usually adjacent the courthouse. They were all emblematic of small town America, cultural institutions embedded in the fabric of these communities. They all have their men’s rooms situated on the outside of the restaurant (anyone know the reason for this?) There’s a reason they’ve all survived and stood the test of time – they provide a wholesome regional identity with their product and a tangible link to the past. It’s something that goes beyond nostalgia -- each place is a living, breathing, reminder. Between Wilson’s, Kewpee, and The Spot, who has claim to the best burger and the best place in which to enjoy that burger?

Wilson's Sandwich Shop

600 S. Main St.

Findlay, Ohio

(8.1)

Atmosphere: I’m probably in the minority here, but I felt Findlay, Ohio had a bit too much of a Pleasantville feel to it. Giant houses lined Main St. all draped in jingo-Americana, some even had massive dollhouses of those house in the grand windows. I thought this was the rust belt, but you wouldn’t know it cruising into downtown. The location was almost too clean, too polished, to indicative of small town America. Almost as if it was forced. Surrounded by windows were orange stools surrounding an open kitchen and typical burger joint counter – all too typical. I suppose that’s my only argument of Wilson’s. Everything seemed quaint enough, but something seemed awry. I just can’t put my finger on it.

1.9

Burger: Rumor has it that Wilson’s became Wilson’s because Wilson didn’t want to purchase a Kewpee franchise. So he tweaked the recipe (using mayo instead of Miracle Whip) and opened his Sandwich Shop. It’s still hard to mess with Wilson’s variation on what we’ve found to be the standard Ohio square hamburg (look to your nearest Wendy’s). It’s nothing fancy – the burger, with “everything,” includes tomato, onion, lettuce, a slice of American cheese, off a flattop grill. Perfection, really.

3.4 

Hype: I can put my finger on that something that seemed awry. They were awfully suspect of strangers and the insider’s guide to ordering a Wilson’s burger killed our initial buzz for Wilson’s. It’s uppity in a way – and didn’t have the underdog status vs. Kewpee that one would think. All of that said, the burger is more than worth your visit, if only to say you’ve tried both for comparison.

2.6 

Kewpee Hamburgers

111 N. Elizabeth St. 

Lima, Ohio

(8.8)

Atmosphere: What we loved about Lima is how it was the antithesis of Findlay. The city was pretty gnar/gnar and has seen much better days. Kooler’s, which looked like the most happening abandoned train station turned bar, had long closed up, but three Kewpee’s outposts (including the original downtown location) remain as thriving businesses. And though that downtown was grimy and plain, half shut-down, there was a bustling line through the drive-in at the tiny diner. It had the essential qualities of an old-school burger joint (perhaps because it defined those qualities) and nothing has changed – lots of chrome and kitsch, an impeccable logo/mascot, a compact, steaming, visible kitchen, swinging doors, huge malts, and a staff that was equally accommodating and aging. Priceless. 

2.2

Burger: Maybe it was the character of the place, but it was the best food on our trip. Maybe it was the tang of the Miracle Whip that gave the burger a distinct sweeter flavor? Kewpee was the first to use the flat bun, the first to offer the “deluxe” burger (wit’ tomato, lettuce, onions, cheese), and it shows. The “mity nice hamburger” which “caters to all folks” is the blueprint for burgers across the Midwest.

3.6 

Hype: The chain originated in Flint, Michigan in 1923 and has longed been known to serve as the inspiration for Dave Thomas’ Wendy’s burger. Eventually the franchise moved headquarters to Lima – and now this location is the longest still in operation. You want more firsts? Kewpee founder Samuel V. Bair was also the first to introduce curbside service, which eventually morphed into the modern day drive-thru. So pairing the food with such history – this is the real Ohio burger experience and well worth your time. 

3.0

The Spot

210 S. Ohio St.

Sidney, Ohio

(7.9)

Atmosphere: Though once a chain to serve Shelby and Miami County, the Sidney Spot (previously known as the Spot to Eat) is the only remaining location. It’s been there, at a picturesque corner of downtown Sidney, in one form or another, since 1907. That’s a testament to the brand, the loyalty of Sidney’s citizens, and the durability of a good burger. Though the Spot might be untouched, the excessive displays of nostalgia and ‘50s kitsch and diner-red-leather booths and neon, might have taken from the taste, the experience.

2.2 

Burger: Still, this was the third stop the day. We needed coffee and walk about the square to keep off the sweats. Cleansed, we tried our best to comply and be objective. The Spot burger is a variation on another classic of the Ohio burger world – namely the Big Boy double decker. There was a “special sauce” (tartar, relish, mayo) and a poppyseed bun sandwiching a somewhat bland thin patty. I certainly prefer Frisch’s. The Spot’s only saving grace on the day was the sheer variety of their diner essentials menu.

2.9 

Hype: Sidney had the nicest of the three historic downtown districts. We could’ve spent the day just exploring those few blocks. But even that is not worth the trouble to pull off the highway to frequent the Spot when there’s a Kewpee a mere 15 minutes away.

2.8 

Chili Quest Finale: Blue Ash

For the longest time and for some unbeknownst reason whilst organizing the Cincinnati Chili Quest, I had thought Blue Ash Chili was a copycat, or recently built parlor styled to authenticate the Cincinnati Chili Experience. I had no idea, until finally visiting the quiet Northern burb, that Blue Ash was an original, or at least since 1969 -- a long time for a small scale chili parlor to survive. I suppose it was just the assumption that Blue Ash was an affluent hood outside the ranks of the river living communities near downtown and over the river.

We were on our way to the best seats ever at the Paul McCartney concert at Great American Ballpark (my highest ranking experience there all year, didn't see the Reds win once this season) so it only seemed logical to stop and finish the tour (unless you can steer me towards an "open" Empress franchise?). I must say. It was perfect. In many respects I can rank this among Price Hill as the place for authentic Cincinnati Chili. It might even have a slight advantage -- the addition of fried jalapenos.

Then again, there wasn't much Cincy pride memorabilia dotting the walls or a lore surrounding the place. It's also in Blue Ash -- which is somewhat of a hike, and has somewhat become that affluent escape from the hustle and bustle of the city. Perhaps another point for Blue Ash come to think of it.

 Is the Quest over? You tell me.

Burger Tour 2011: Johnnie's Tavern

Johnnie's Tavern
3503 Trabue Rd. 
 Columbus, Ohio
(7.2)

Johnnie’s Tavern sits out on an edge of Columbus known as San Margherita. I suppose that’s why John included the “h” when he stretched his name and loaned it to his tavern in 1948. I don’t think this neighborhood has ever been much, hence the need for a tavern like Johnnie’s. Supposedly San Margherita is on the way to no longer being independent of the city – so this highly industrial, haven for massive faux-luxury apartment complexes, directly east of proper Hilliard, will eventually be sucked into Columbus. Then can we call Johnnie’s our own? I’ve driven this stretch of the city many times before. Maybe because I had a friend who used to allow us to jump into the reservoir in the middle of his faux-luxury complex back in the day, or maybe because the UPS hub was the only place to pick up your UPS shipped items? Granted, I’d been here before. Not Johnnie’s, but in a mindset that reflects the rough and worn environs of Johnnie’s. The Super Johnnie Burger was on the Burger GPS, so this was a little bit cheating, but also exploration. You have to drive to get what is now (sorry Thurman’s, size doesn’t matter) my favorite burger in Columbus. But that isn’t saying much, because while it was good, it doesn’t match the 4 burgers found in Western Ohio (full report coming soon, I promise).

Atmosphere: What can I say? I’m a sucker for the low-rent vibe that pervades Johnnie’s. Of course we were in Columbus but our party was looked at up and down like we just came from the ends of the Earth, or Brooklyn, or something. They only have fried items for food – besides the Super Johnnie – and Michelob on tap (the coldest beer in Columbus?) but it’s extremely cheap (your reward for finding the place) and the service was beyond friendly. One could easily waste an afternoon here and get that “stuck in a Roseanne episode” type of nostalgia. Then again, this arena for drink (and nothing else) can likely be found anywhere along the outskirts of the city.

2.2

Burger: Here’s where the points come in. Presentation wise, it was your standard large, single patty, accompanied by lettuce, tomato, onion, American cheese, and mayo on a sesame bun. Who can fuck that up? Apparently diner after diner after dive bar across the country. Everything here seemed built with care – the cheese perfectly melted and delivered (see picture) and the veg fresh. This is a big burger, but was cooked to another level of perfection – a nice medium, and spiced with the slightest amount of black pepper. It was an ingredient that was prominent but didn’t overwhelm and surprised all who took this journey. The pepper flavor is what took the Super Johnnie over the (average) top. There was no special sauce, no novelty condiment, no catch. Just a satisfying burger. And that’s something the Five Guys and Grafitti Burger (and even the Big Boy) do well, but never in this type of memorable way.

3.1

Hype: The Super Johnnie is worthy of being on the Motz’s Burger GPS and in his book. As stated (so far) this is the best burger I’ve had in Columbus. And adhering to my atmosphere score, there’s nothing off-putting about a visit there. That said, it’s hard to justify a jaunt down that way, even in the relatively small confines of the Columbus Metropolitan area. It eeks above the rest. And I’ve yet to try the Gahanna Grill, which may become a suitable foe to this West side establishment. It’s quintessentially a neighborhood haunt quite honestly, and going above that seems out of their league. A good burger overall, but not a requirement. I realize that is contradictory to my mission.

1.9

Burger Tour 2011: Fat Patty's

Fat Patty's 
1935 3rd Ave.
Huntington, West Virginia

(4.5)

Fat Patty's was a must because, well, there wasn't much open in Huntington, West Virginia, on the Fourth of July. Be warned Fat Patty's is on the Burger GPS -- but there is also no review and no guide as to what you should order should you partake. I'll have to say, Fat Patty's should not dissuade you from visit to Huntington. It's a beautiful little city where the river meets the hills, with plenty of character/characters and wonderful hospitality. Next time I fully intend on hitting up Tooter's and avoiding the Marshall campus altogether (if that's possible). And now for the scoring:

Atmosphere - There wasn't much. I do think this place is probably legendary on Marshall Thundering Herd game days. There are plenty of worthless beers on tap and pictures of Heaven's Herd starring at your from all directions. The decor is pure Green and White -- with the typical sports bar woodshed fixtures keeping patrons either claustrophobic or drinking away their misery. This place must have a history (it's right next to the stadium), but I couldn't find much. It's certainly isn't because of the food.

+1

Burger - I was told to order the "famous" Pretzel Burger, which was basically just an average grill burger served on a pretzel bun with bland honey mustard. There was no seasoning to the burger and the novelty of the bun being a pretzel did little to cover that up. I wasn't asked how I wanted my burger cooked, so I'm thinking the standard is medium well, probably to cover up the sub-quality of the taste. Perhaps I'm being too harsh. I definitely ate the massive thing and got home in one piece, but I was ashamed to drag two families down the street for this.

+2.2

Hype - There was a hype to Fat Patty's. Our hosts had heard many things about it and didn't seem that thrilled with the place either. Still, I was finding plenty of evidence on the internet and the aforementioned Burger GPS that people loved the stuff. It's also a bit off the beaten path unless you are in Huntington with nothing else to do (again, try Tooter's Biscuit World or Hillbilly Hot Dogs), so travelling just for this is out of the question.

+1.3

Burger Tour 2011: Swenson's

Last Summer it was the Cincinnati Chili Quest. And besides missing out on Blue Ash Chili (which I intend to ascend before August is out) – I believe, by your readership that it was a success. So the foodstuffs programming has become a priority for W.O.W. Now? We enter the world of the Mom and Pop Burger Tour. Yes, I admit that much of my ongoing Burger Tour has been wholly inspired by George Motz’s excellent Hamburger America book and the accompanying Hamburger GPS iPhone application, but being from Ohio, I am in a fairly perfect centrality to much of America’s hamburger origin.

I plan to make this Tour much more extensive than the Chili Quest, if only because I intend of venturing outside of the Ohio borders to evaluate the many genre of hamburgs. Therefore, Burger Tour, in direct inspiration from the excellent Pizza Slayer will have a “fair and balanced” metric to determine whether a burger pilgrimage was worth the effort. Though we thought we could just measure the quality of these burgers with “pickles” (Adam’s ideas), here are my determined criteria:

History/Tradition/Current Atmosphere 

(Has it stood the test of time? Does the charm enhance the experience?) 

+3

The Burger 

(How does it taste compared to the myriad American burgers?) 

+4

The Hype

 (Was it worth the trip? Does it hold up to the hype?) 

+3

I fully intend to rank these burgers in a critical light, not unlike albums reviewed on P4K.

So that assumes that the ultimate burger is a perfect 10.0 -- should that be possible among the myriad American burgers. 

 

Swenson's

658 E. Cuyahoga Falls Avenue

Akron, Ohio
(8.4)

The Hamburger GPS was what initiated by Burger Tour. Driving home from my first trip to New York City this year -- I consulted the application for a place to eat lunch in Akron. I knew by the depth of history, that you can easily just see from the interstate, there would be something worth stopping for in Akron. Little did I know about the wonder of Swenson's.

Though the car-hop motif has been a staple for a very long time -- Swenson's has been serving their double-deckers since 1934 -- and this drive-in has been here for almost 50 years. I imagine nothing has changed. The "servers" literally sprint from car to car, depending on your headlights being on or off, to serve you. It got a little confusing for me because I ordered "to-go" burgers, but they were always grateful and friendly to be doing what they were doing everyday. 

 

I ordered the Galley Boy. It won a Food Feud on some network a few months back -- and they were certainly correct (though I have yet to have a Skywae). I'm not sure if the Big Boy came before the Galley Boy or not, but they were similar. A special sauce (similar to tartar) on a double decker thin pounded cheeseburger. Everything was assembled to accent concentration of flavor. It was a masterpiece.

Atmosphere -- Though I encountered 4 separate servers within the time I was there, and the delivery was much longer than anticipated, but everyone was friendly, the surroundings were very Akron-centric (worn to a quaint character) and the restaurant looked and operated as if it were an institution in the community for years.

2.4

Burger - This is the best double-decker I have ever encountered. Swenson's is setting the bar high for this genre -- and I've been to Frisch's a million times all over the world at this point. The Big Boy is only a memory.

3.5

Hype - Swenson's was easily accessible off the interstate. In fact you can face the interstate while you eat from your car if you want. Any trip to Cleveland, Akron, or Canton -- or a travel farther East, should include a stop at the many Swenson's locations in North East Ohio. Though I can probably vouch that the North Akron location is the most authentic (correct me if I'm wrong). Most people I've met from this area agree with the Food Network's assumption that Swenson's tops Skywae in the double decker department. Most people from the area swear by Swenson's. So it was certainly worth the trip and worth the hype. 

2.6

Not only am I following the path of the Burger GPS, but I'm taking your suggestions. K's in Troy -- is NOT on the Burger GPS, so that's a perfect example of how Motz is negligent of knowing them all. 

Takoyaki vs. Takoyaki: Fresh Street Be the Victor

When the warm weather arrived again and it was announced that the creators/artisans responsible for the Foodie Cart would no longer be making crepes along the streets of Clintonville and beyond – it sent shockwaves among the Columbus culinary community….or it at least disappointed the handful of faithful who treated their food as manna from the gods. It was soon made clear by the couple that they weren’t quitting in the slightest, they were just moving to a more permanent location, and trying their hand at making takoyaki. Takoyaki is a traditional Japanese street food consisting of pancake balls usually filled with boiled octopus and topped with numerous condiments befitting this taste sensation. Compared to the Bulgagi Cheesesteak crepes I was used to, I thought this might be a hard sell for the Foodie Cart. I’m sure people thought the same when calamari or pork belly started becoming menu staples. Now christened Fresh Street, I had no reason to doubt their prowess on the foodie scene here in Columbus. And in the months following their opening at their High Street location they’ve expanded their menu to include various okonomiyakis, soba, and even flavored “snow cups” (their desserts were always their best kept secret). Again, I can’t stress enough how anything you order from the Fresh Street dynamic duo is sure to be a treat – but for now, if you’ve yet to try the takoyaki, that should be your first order of business.

But in order to compare/contrast I had to try a takoyaki stand that has stood the test of time. Otafuku. This Manhattan closet of a restaurant in the East Village is likely the most authentic takoyaki one can procure in North America – at least on this side of the Mississippi (the west coast Japanese population has been serving up takoyaki for a while now). The Freshstreet duo has taken great pains to make their shed as quaint and charming and convenient as Otafuku. The presentation is the same, six takoyaki balls tucked into a bamboo boat, topped with bonito flakes and an assortment of other choices. At Otafuku I did not get a choice – it was bonito and a hot sauce similar to sriracha. At Fresh Street it’s called “mom sauce” and it comes in addition to things like dried seaweed, wasabi mayonnaise, and kimchee. I love the choices, something that is a trademark of the Foodie Cart/Fresh Street brilliance. It’s a constantly changing course for them, each and every day. Even their take on the traditional takoyaki has been altered to include sausage and veggie options of those lovely fried pancake balls, usually stuffed with octopus. So – in comparison to an “original” such as Otafuku, Fresh Street absolutely rules. Then again, the hometown/accommodating atmosphere the Fresh Street duo can provide in Columbus is also the reason it has not become as standard fare as Otafuku. And if you think you will be missing out on the artistry that came with the crepe making, there’s a dexterity involved in rolling the takoyaki on a custom grill that has to be seen to be believed. This is not something just anyone can do. A must – at least once a week – for anyone who calls this city home.

A Quick Visit to Dizzy Whizz

I've exhausted the Cincy Chili Quest (just need to hit up Blue Ash at one point) and moved onto to finding the perfect burger (in ode to Wimpy). In anticipation of my upcoming Ohio Burger Tour, my first addition of Burger Time landed me in Louisville. It was fate really. I owe it to my parents for pulling over at many a tourist trap over the years. You can tell the quality by the road sign - and while driving through beautiful downtown Louisville, I spied the exit for Dizzy Whizz. "Since 1947" is usually an omen. It will be at least acceptable if it's they've been there that long. Later in the night, pre-TNV, my phone informed me the Dizzy Whizz was only a mile or so away. Louisville gets bonus for being easy to navigate -- and a casual cruise through Old Louisville always enlightening. Why does Columbus not have this?

Dizzy Whiz was a beacon in an otherwise sleepy hood. You could pull in for curb service, or sit at the counter in the modest dining area. I chose to hit the inside window and order their fries and a family's worth of the "famous" Dizzy Whizz. It was cheap and quick, more a neighborhood staple than world classic. The "special sauce" and construction of the double-decker Dizzy Whizz was a pure replicate of a Big Boy. No harm, no foul. I'd like to know the history of this type of burger. Need to research. Or you could comment. Were I back in Louisville, I would certainly stop for another. More to come. Didn't have enough for a t-shirt, but the logo is tops.

The Drank Experiment

The tag is to “slow your roll.” Sound like something quoted from Dre’s The Chronic. Honestly, the idea of drop-tops and blunts and fridges full of ‘40s haven’t really percolated since those halcyon days. Yes. Southern Hip-Hop forged an industry on reversing reality, chopping and screwing everything in sight – but seeing a 24 ounce can of Drank is the first time in a while that I’ve said “laaaaaid back” like I just got done sparking that seminal record. Drank is officially the first anti-energy drink, and I wouldn’t have known about it were it not for the “slow your roll” couple of the year, Matt and Beth (R.I.P.). That said, I have only seen Drank in a handful of stores (and that includes travelling to Nashville recently) so I’m imaging the world is not ready for an anti-energy drink or they don’t care. Drank is completely legal – so here forth don’t think of me as a bath salt inhaler – and contains a lethal amount of Velrian Root (say, valium), Melatonin, and Rose Hips (which I remember my dip-addicted uncle replacing for dip at one point) that will certainly pack a buzz unbeknownst. Please don’t see this as an instruction manual. I would never suggest driving under the influence or that important meeting/job interview with Drank in the system. This was merely an experiment, since it was readily available at the corner store (shall not be named). I recently noticed this entrepreneurism by local “quickie” marts to cash-in on non-regulated products (see: the origins of Four Loko) because of a fad.

I would completely cash-in on Drank. Full-marketing, that of a quasi-hip-hop St. Ides-esque campaign by moguls who know their market. It would be easy to sell, and it’s completely harmless. There’s nothing here that will make you rob your mother to buy more – and/or drive a vehicle in appropriately. If anything, you’ll fall asleep. I have no knowledge of the “real” drank scene which involves diluted cough sizzurup and over-the-counter accentuates for “slowing your roll.” Experiments with NyQuil only came on sick days, when zoning out to TMNT was a youth-derived pleasure. I can’t say though that my Drank experience wasn’t wasted. The taste is completely acceptable, like an over-carbonated, perfectly-watered-down, version of Grape Nehi. And if you haven’t had Nehi, you haven’t lived yet. The nutritional impact is somewhere between a sugary soda and diet. And it actually produced a mild “slow” of my CNS. There were actual tingles in the fingers, toes, arms and legs – enough to warrant more sips. Apologies if this sounds like a drug buzz, but you’re all doing drugs. Again, Drank is harmless, and should be promoted as a hangover/mid-party ailment.

Update: Drank appears to be very hard to find (a few quickie marts up here in Lil' Vegas have it) but priced right. Keep it on the shelves people. Much better than Bath Salts.

Autumnal Beer Review

Working behind a bar for years, and in an actual brewery, I get the jib from a lot of beer "geeks." More than beer "geeks," I get "hop-heads" these days. So much so I suppose I could call myself one, developing a taste of well-hopped beers -- IPAs and the like. But I'm not a beer "geek." Even though I'm supposed to talk like one. Those guys are like the overzealous weed rah-rahs, who partake in the "culture" of weed and all the tacky accoutrement that comes with it, but maybe even worse -- I'll take a coaster, visit a favorite brewery, but never worry about ABVs or whatevah the fuck. I'm fairly partial to the beer made about 50 feet behind me. Believe in Columbus Brewing Company's IPA -- a stiff competitor against DogfishHead 60 Minute. Of course I'm talking like one. So this won't be a lesson, or a take on notes or aromas, just a list -- since Autumn is the time of year the best beers seem to arrive.

Above is DogfishHead Bitch's Brew -- is this supposed to taste like Miles Davis? I'm not usually into stouts, but here you have a Porter brewed with honey and gesho root. Very intriguing.

Something I've never known about before are Fresh Hopped IPAs. The hometown brewery, Columbus Brewing Company used week old hops to develop Super Fresh H-O-P (now completely unavailable). Much like their IPA, yet mellower. I could probably drink this forever if I had too. I need something not as potent as the originator.

Another bottled brewery favorite has been Lakewood, New York's Southern Tier. They too have made a Harvest Ale, using fresh hops. This is a close second to the CBC, yet hard to find now. Alas.

Any of the Southern Tier catalog is well worth your monies. I'm not partial to Pumpkin Ales, but their Pumking Imperial Pumpkin Ale is a worthy beer. Not a cookie. Then along comes their 2XIPA. I think they want to rob me from Dogfish.

What I can recommend is below. Left Hand Twin Sister IPA tried a bit too hard. Never judge a beer by it's (name and) cover. Told 'ya I'm not a beer "geek."

Chili Quest Vol. 7 - Price Hill Chili

This is perhaps the Quest that took the most courage. Delving through the peaks and valleys of East Price Hill and beyond the Queen Blvd. Parkway. It was actually an amazing cruise through a half-thriving neighborhood and half-American ruins -- magnificent homes, pre-1900s, gone to spoil. I'm imagining places like Cleveland and Cincinnati are only second to Detroit in this display of abandonment?

Once up the actual hill, it was working class, stuck in 1978. There, Price Hill Chili and the adjacent Golden Fleece Lounge (both founded in 1962) looked an neighborhood institution. Both spaces likely overflowing on Friday nights.

We chose to dine in the smaller, "original," parlour. It was your typical counter, some worn booths, a blow-up pic of the Ol' Price Hill incline -- and above all else, it was clean, quick, and friendly (how we like our parlours here). Nothing, besides perhaps Pleasant Ridge, could top the authenticity of this Cincinnati experience. The charm and comfort gives it points on my scorecard. But the chili (where the proof resides) was completely lacking. J. Duane ordered a cup of chili, on the side. This was a strategy I've never exercised and here it fortified my instinct that Price Hill is average. There was really no distinct flavor and the consistency was Skyline style, almost too thin. Still, it wasn't fruitless, as the atmosphere added a bumper of resonance while I'm here thinking back. That stuff counts.

So -- we've got two more quests to go. And since it looks like I'll see at least one playoff game. I'm bound to reach Blue Ash and Empress (where? I don't know? need help here) before we get too deep in autumn.

Foodie Cart -- Street Food of the Gods

Go watch Anthony Bourdain's episode titled "Heartland." He came to Columbus -- and made some solid observations. Namely Kihachi (the gourmet Japanese chef's meal/small plate smörgåsbord)and now, Clever Crow Pizza are relatively unknown but essential components in Columbus foodie culture. The mackeral liver at Kihachi is proof enough we have some gems here. Another segment in that episode claims Austin, Texas as the food cart capital of the U.S. Seasonally it is an ideal location for the food cart culture -- and furthering that truth I've sampled many of the carts there in my years. Ground zero for Taco Trucks, Korean Tex-Mex, one dedicated entirely to duck, Kebabalicious, the cupcake place, anything BBQ, and worthwhile NY style slices everywhere. Yeah, we should be jealous of Austin.

But should we? When we now have the Foodie Cart to brag about? The Foodie Cart trumps all in Columbus. Every other cart in this city is relatively worthless in comparison. They shill Japanese Crepes -- though many a Korean recipe slips in regularly. My first visit was heaven. Swordfish with Black Mussel Marinara and Oyako Chicken (which means mother and child, egg and chicken I learned). In future quests the menu revealed many gourmet surprises -- here's just a sampling:

Ancho Chipotle Chili Dog
Dry Curry Ground Beef
The now Legendary Bulgogi Cheesesteak
Miso Pork Belly

Yes. Pork Belly in a sweet, delicate crepe. It works. Bourdain would be proud/dumbfounded that this existed on a High Street sidewalk. I've yet to try the dessert crepes but they boast a pretty mean Banana Cream Crepe and the infamous Azuki Stick (?). Any suggestions are welcome. Plus they scoot around all over town, which adds to the reward of obtaining these goodies. Following them on Facebook to find menus and locations is now a rite of passage.

Update: just had a craving and seeked them out. Had the very popular Bacon Okonomi Yuki (a recipe with fried soba noodles and a egg) and the Azuki Stick -- which is a sweet red bean paste, similar on my tongue to guava, topped with strawberries and fresh mozzarella cheese. Believe.

Chili Quest Vol. 6 - Cincinnati Recipe Chili (At Home)

I spied this number in my favorite local Italian Butcher Shop (Carfagna's cross the street). I've seen this generic "Cincinnati Recipe" Chili in cans, but never a pre-mix you can make yourself. The recipe called for average ground beef, I decided on 98% Lean ground beef. It made all the difference. Using more beef than the usual parlor, the consistency was that of Gold Star (not soupy) but the taste was actually the most flavorful I've had yet (close to the scale of Pleasant Ridge). The second re-heat I added Sriracha to the mixture and the balance was set perfectly. At the grocery I usually grab Ball Park Franks/Nickle's Buns/Store Grated Cheese. Oyster Crackers. This time I made a 3-Way over spaghetti. Something I haven't tried yet. Excellent. We were in Cincy Chili heaven for three days.

So unless you can recommend anything else and/or Empress apologizes for my dismay -- I'm capping the competition once I hit Price Hill and Blue Ash. Is there an Empress downtown (or some storied parlor that isn't exactly considered a parlor -- i.e. a saloon that serves chili)? I need your info. The quest is everlasting.

Chili Quest Vol. 5 - Pleasant Ridge

...even the champ has been here. what was once a simple Cincy community, now gentrified and immaculate by most Cincy standards. I wasn't the least "worried" driving the length of Montgomery. I was actually enlightened.



...this is a diner -- first and foremost -- it could sit on a calm lake, four blocks into walnut -- what would that be? crawford or canal -- a river, perhaps, there's a river not that far from here. admire the booths, the awnings on those booths, the pictures of Cincy you wished you had in Dayton or Columbus or Cleveland for fuckssakes...



...goodness these were good. two, as always. presented as such, as always. except the chili, a recipe the waitress couldn't reveal/"fuck with," was on another level. it could've been synthetic, i got the taco bell burps in the 7th inning. but there was an unnamed spice among the usual Cincy chili vapors. upon initial contact it was magical. trumping camp. wash. by millions in a blink.



this was all-world Cincy chili. made for the taste. the lasting. emblematic of the city. Since 1964 Pleasant Ridge has sustained a neighborhood with a staple. my city needs more staples. i'll be back. Price Hill awaits a challenge.



Guess I shoul'da had the cheese fries too.

Churrasco!

This was my "weekend" on Facebook. Showing the world of "friends" what they were missing. Namely, a "real" Brasilian Churrasco. The way I remember it on the tiny street in Rio, at the guy's driveway, with the stone grill, feeding us beer and "soap operas." Believe me, I've tried this many times -- ever since my first churrasco in Uruguay -- and it has never ended in such a feast. Though the fancy steakhouse version of churrasco in Brasil is often a pale specter of that glutton in America.

I owe most of my successful night to my Pittsburgh friend, Thiago (a true man of Brasil). He handled the knife, I worked on my "tony bourdain"-ish, wanderlust, marinades.

I'm going to try to re-create here for your use -- can easily be acheived on a small 12" gas grill, in a-la-carte, more than you can eat, firing sessions. Keep in mind we did not have/could not find blood sausage, chicken hearts, or farofa/farina. But those nights in Rio, we didn't have any of the above. (If you can recommend a butcher that still sells hearts, please let me know).

Wood Skewers (they come in packs that contain more than enough, these are kabobs essentially so you'll need to soak the skewers in water most of the day to prevent burning)

We used:

6 Lbs. of Top Sirloion (cut into one inch cubes)
2 Lbs. of Large Rock Shrimp (veined and skewered)
Old Bay Seasoning (all the shrimp needs)
3 Lbs. of Chicken Breast (cut into one inch cubes)
Vinegar Brasil (soaked with rose, rosemary, chamomile -- for the steak)
Orange Juice (the 50% less sugar kind, for the chicken)
Sweet Tangy BBQ Marinade (housemade by Weiland's, for the chicken)
Fresh Lime (a pre-spritz for the shrimp and steak)

(Kabob Additions)
Two White Onions
Two Green Bell Peppers
Four Hothouse Tomatoes
Two Zucchini

The caveat of a true churrasco is the salt. What you coat it with right before the fire. I'm fortunate enough to have a half-cup of the finest churrasco salt containing -- rock sea salt, calbrese (sausage seasoning), dried garlic, white pepper, and other secret spices -- to rain on the mountain of meat we'd created.

In Rio it's all about sticks. How many you've had? Which were the best? By the end of the parade of meat is comparable to finishing the best filet you've ever consumed. The best seafood meal in your life. It's actually kind of more than that. A communal happening. The social aspect makes all taste extravagant. Or there's nothing like minimal meat?

I've always made a variation -- Spicy Meat -- which marinates steak stick in Green Tabasco, cayenne pepper, Sriracha, and fresh jalapenos. It always works.

Chili Quest Vol. 4 - Empress Chili (FAIL)

The Chili Quest was supposed to be easy. The Googles informed me that there was an Empress Chili directly off of I-75 on Vine Street. I've found nothing on the 'nets to discourage this claim. There are two other locations (are they open?), but this was the closest, easiest to access, and in a neighborhood that had some history. So, to our dismay, this Empress Chili looked as if it had been closed for a decade or more. Thanks Empress Chili, you were the first -- so you should make the effort to stake that brand and thrive in Cincinnati. Unfortunately, on our journey around this area of town, this part of Cincinnati is on the decline, rapidly, sharing traits with Detroit when it comes to endless blocks of emptiness and urban blight. Remind me never to exit off Vine Street again.

We didn't have time to try and find the "other" Empress locations, so I'm looking at you Empress. If you want to be included in the Quest, you'll now need to go out of your way to get my attention, to get me to frequent one of your parlors. You know where to find me. Luckily, on our way home, at 1 AM, there was a beacon in the night in the form of Camp Washington -- the only parlor open 24 hours. Though it was the first stop in my Quest, I honestly didn't mind repeating. So far, they are the true champions -- though there are many squares left to be checked.