Live at the Ohio State Fair 2008

By now I can virtually lead any group to the Butter Sculpture blindfolded. I'm tempted to propose myself a OSF guide at this point, for the mere pittance of getting into the inner sanctum I know exists at such a momentous event. I think it's more genetics that have drawn me to the fair -- not the overall show itself. This year we went with the parentals, lil' bro, and Aunt and Uncle Erbaugh (Bruce may be the smoothest man on earth. The Cuban never breaks a sweat, NEVER). The absence of mid' bro was an undiscussed void, especially during the pig races. We made the most.

That Butter Sculpture was a needed improvement to last year's "hunk of swiss cheese," featuring all of Ohio's presidents on a Rushmore type ridge. Might I say, this country's fourth best president, Ulysses S. Grant was included. In 2008, the lure of air-brushed Unholy Two shirts and free Zombies shows were not included. No more free shows and consequently no free ironic shows (saw that the Kentucky State Fair has a new-jack swing package for free. Boyz II Men, Guy, Ralph Tresvant!!!). Closest contestant, Melissa Ethridge (for $30, wouldn't go if you paid me though). That's the epitome of Ohio's integrity on a global scale I suppose.

And that inner sanctum? Couldn't be found. I was hoping for the Farmer's Only.com sponsored Swingers Orgy Tent or maybe the place where I could chug a beer in order to enjoy the scenery better. The art that dons the sides of chinky rides is paramount in such a place. Demons and King Diamond, next to Jennifer Lopez and Spongebob. The Cyclotron got a face-lift - and this year they carted in the "World's Smallest Woman," (direct off excommunication from Coney Island) who I coaxed relatives to go see for fifty cents. A bargain for the horror (they'll never go for that again). The carney subculture is alive and well, centimeters from the State Capitol, thriving with seediness -- a place that gets quarantined for smaller and smaller amounts of time each year.

Where else though, could you get a deep-fried-deep-fried pancake-wrapped-sausage-wrapped-twinkie or visit Smokey the Bear for the nth time? He still knows my name?