The Drank Experiment

The tag is to “slow your roll.” Sound like something quoted from Dre’s The Chronic. Honestly, the idea of drop-tops and blunts and fridges full of ‘40s haven’t really percolated since those halcyon days. Yes. Southern Hip-Hop forged an industry on reversing reality, chopping and screwing everything in sight – but seeing a 24 ounce can of Drank is the first time in a while that I’ve said “laaaaaid back” like I just got done sparking that seminal record. Drank is officially the first anti-energy drink, and I wouldn’t have known about it were it not for the “slow your roll” couple of the year, Matt and Beth (R.I.P.). That said, I have only seen Drank in a handful of stores (and that includes travelling to Nashville recently) so I’m imaging the world is not ready for an anti-energy drink or they don’t care. Drank is completely legal – so here forth don’t think of me as a bath salt inhaler – and contains a lethal amount of Velrian Root (say, valium), Melatonin, and Rose Hips (which I remember my dip-addicted uncle replacing for dip at one point) that will certainly pack a buzz unbeknownst. Please don’t see this as an instruction manual. I would never suggest driving under the influence or that important meeting/job interview with Drank in the system. This was merely an experiment, since it was readily available at the corner store (shall not be named). I recently noticed this entrepreneurism by local “quickie” marts to cash-in on non-regulated products (see: the origins of Four Loko) because of a fad.

I would completely cash-in on Drank. Full-marketing, that of a quasi-hip-hop St. Ides-esque campaign by moguls who know their market. It would be easy to sell, and it’s completely harmless. There’s nothing here that will make you rob your mother to buy more – and/or drive a vehicle in appropriately. If anything, you’ll fall asleep. I have no knowledge of the “real” drank scene which involves diluted cough sizzurup and over-the-counter accentuates for “slowing your roll.” Experiments with NyQuil only came on sick days, when zoning out to TMNT was a youth-derived pleasure. I can’t say though that my Drank experience wasn’t wasted. The taste is completely acceptable, like an over-carbonated, perfectly-watered-down, version of Grape Nehi. And if you haven’t had Nehi, you haven’t lived yet. The nutritional impact is somewhere between a sugary soda and diet. And it actually produced a mild “slow” of my CNS. There were actual tingles in the fingers, toes, arms and legs – enough to warrant more sips. Apologies if this sounds like a drug buzz, but you’re all doing drugs. Again, Drank is harmless, and should be promoted as a hangover/mid-party ailment.

Update: Drank appears to be very hard to find (a few quickie marts up here in Lil' Vegas have it) but priced right. Keep it on the shelves people. Much better than Bath Salts.